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Baby Named by Highest Bidder

Posted Tuesday, June 3, 2008, at 11:21 AM

Except for conceiving and raising them, one of the hardest things involved with bringing children into the world is agreeing on a name.

For many years, Michael has been the most popular name for a boy. Lately, names like Cody, Wyatt and Dustin have been moving up the list in popularity.

Believe it or not, my cousin in Phoenix has a neighbor who had difficulty coming up with a name for his kids so he named them after the model name of his two trucks: Cheyenne and Sierra. I wonder what other vehicle names he was considering, perhaps Volvo and Hummer.

Some people come up with even more outlandish names. Rock star, Frank Zappa, named two of his kids Dweezle and Moon Unit. When your last name is Zappa, I guess anything is fair game.

A couple of years ago, a New York couple expecting a baby boy within the next 30 days put up a web site where they accepted bids from corporations. They intended to name their son after the highest bidder, such as Pepsi, Ajax, Goodyear or Microsoft.

It's bad enough to name your kids after the model of the truck sitting in your front yard, but this is going a little too far. To me, this is another sign that civilization as we know it is about to come to an end.

Some of the potential names this poor kid could be saddled with include:

1) Mr. Clean

2) Dr. Pepper

3) Green Giant

4) Drano

5) Minute Maid

6) WD-40

7) Easy Off

8) Roach Motel

9) Captain Crunch

10) General Electric

11) Brillo

12) Amazon.com

13) Stop Leak

14) Frito-Lay

15) Taco Bell

16) Jiffy Pop

17) Milky Way

18) Spam

19) Fruit of the Loom

20) I can't Believe It's Not Butter

So what would you name your baby boy if you had to name him after a corporate sponsor??

Personally, I think I'd name him Stop Leak or Drano, and send him to medical school.


Quote for the Day -- The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.


Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

I was always told when naming your child, if you stand at the back door and yell it out 3 times as loud as you can and it sounds right..it works.

-- Posted by D143W on Tue, Jun 3, 2008, at 10:12 PM


Sometimes I stand at the back door and yell out my dog's name 3 times as loud as I can. It it sounds right to him, he comes home.


-- Posted by Bret Burquest on Wed, Jun 4, 2008, at 5:35 PM

How bout "No Bugs Ma'Lady" for a girl ?? (Dated, but classic!) ... "Gibson" for a boy, after my favourite guitar!.... Seriously, I've known some people who have named their kids some bizarre names..let me think..I grew up around a hippie family who named their 5th son (they kept having them) "Hud" (after the old movie)... Same hippy family had a girl and named her "Electa" (thinking they were naming her after the cool model from the Warhol era, "Electra"..duh).. They also had yet another baby boy (I used to babysit all of these kids and I was barely older than some of them) they named "Noah" except the parents were so ignorant they mispelled it on the birth certificate and it came out "NAHO"... I had a corporate boss' wife name their girl (think Donald Trump style family) "Tiffany Sterling" (sounds like a porno actress now), .. A good friend of mine once asked me which name I prefered for a boy (she was 8 mos pregnant and ready to go with one or the other) "Conrad" or "Nolan"....I didn't like either...they didn't match the last name well, but what can you say? I guess beauty truly IS in the eye (or the ear) of the Beholder. lol Good post, BB ! *Mel

-- Posted by maltney on Thu, Jun 5, 2008, at 8:50 PM

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Boldly Going Nowhere
Bret Burquest
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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.
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