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Thursday, Apr. 17, 2014
Dogs and CatsPosted Saturday, June 14, 2008, at 8:16 PM
Bret and Buddy Lee -- Batteries Not Included
Cats don't need a pack leader to show the way. They're self-contained units of indifference that rely mostly on whim.
Dogs don't dwell on the past and give little thought to the future beyond their next meal. They live almost exclusively in the present.
Cats don't dwell on anything, including the present. They live almost exclusively in a different dimension.
Show dogs fall into six categories, depending on their talents and lineage: sporting breeds, hound breeds, working breeds, terrier breeds, toy breeds and non-sporting breeds. A non-pedigree dog is called a mutt.
Show cats fall into two categories, depending on the length of their hair: longhaired division and shorthaired division. A non-pedigree cat is called a cat.
Dogs perform functional tasks such as herding livestock, following scents, retrieving game and providing protection.
Cats perform dysfunctional tasks such as unraveling a ball of twine or chasing an imaginary object.
Dogs can hear frequencies up to 35,000 vibrations per second, as opposed to 20,000 in human beings.
Cats can hear frequencies up to the eleven dimensions of the Astral Plane, including the Twilight Zone. They can also hear Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa and the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Dogs have a superior sense of smell.
Cats have a sense of superiority.
Dogs are eager to learn new commands. They are pleased whenever they please their human masters.
Cats are eager to be treated like royalty. They are pleased whenever they feel like being pleased.
Dog people love their canines and consider them to be members of the family. In return, dogs love, honor and obey their human companions. It's a lasting relationship.
Cat people love their felines and consider them to be members of the family. In return, cats couldn't care less. There is no relationship.
Dog people have a psychological desire to be needed.
Cat people have a psychological desire to be rejected.
I'm a dog person. My current dog, Buddy Lee, is a rambunctious dude of unknown breed. I found him in a local animal shelter. Acquiring a dog is the only opportunity a human being ever has to choose a relative.
Taking naps and eating are Buddy Lee's major activities. He dislikes being disturbed, particularly by anyone knocking on the front door. We have much in common.
If you want to be loved, get a dog.
If you want to be ignored, get a cat.
Quote of the Day -- "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." Mark Twain
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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.