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Fowl PhilosophyPosted Sunday, October 19, 2008, at 6:07 PM
Is there a purpose to existence?
Was the universe created by a supreme being?
Is there life after death?
Philosophers have been pondering unanswerable questions since the beginning of time. It's good work if you can get it, but there isn't much money in it.
One question has haunted philosophers ever since either the chicken or the egg came first -- why did the chicken cross the road?
To find you why the chicken crossed the road, I drank a bottle of Jack Daniels, fell into a self-induced hypnotic state of bliss whereby I became one with cosmic consciousness, and channeled the answer through many famous people, past and present. Naturally, I channeled them alphabetically.
Buddha: "To ask the question is to know the answer."
George W. Bush: "It had good intelligence there was something on the other side of the road that required its intervention -- bring it on."
Dick Cheney: "It was the right thing to do under the circumstances."
Bill Clinton: "It depends on what the word 'is' is."
Hillary Clinton: "It's all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy."
Confucius: "When chicken cross road, road no longer exists."
Rodney Dangerfield: "The chicken don't get no respect -- the rooster carries around the picture that came with the wallet."
Albert Einstein: "Perhaps the road crossed the chicken. It's all relative."
Jeff Foxworthy: "You might be a red-neck chicken if your henhouse is a 1948 Buick."
Freud: "The road represented a lifelong journey of sexual repression and the other side of the road signified a desire to be with its mother."
Al Gore: "I invented the chicken."
John Kerry: "First I voted for the chicken to cross the road; then I didn't."
Jay Leno: "I don't know why the chicken crossed the road but if you cross a chicken with an elephant you'll get really big eggs."
Rush Limbaugh: "It was obviously a Democrat and didn't know where it was going."
John McCain: "My friends, the chicken crossed the road because the road needed crossing."
Marilyn Monroe: "What was the chicken wearing when crossing the road? Chanel No. 5, of course."
Barack Obama: "The chicken wanted change."
Oprah: "You go, girlfriend."
Sarah Palin: "The difference between a chicken and a hockey mom is lipstick."
Dr. Phil: "The problem we have here is that the chicken has unresolved issues on this side of the road and by crossing to the other side has found a clever way to avoid them. I would suggest that the chicken cross back over to the original side of the road and take a long look at itself. Then ask itself why it wanted to cross the road in the first place. If there is no positive reason for such behavior, I would suggest it stay put and try real hard not to make the same mistake twice."
The Pope: "Novus ordo seclorum."
Ronald Reagan: "Crossing the road is not the solution -- it's the problem."
Jerry Seinfeld: "What road? How wide was the road? Did the road have a center divider? Maybe it just wanted to prove it wasn't chicken."
Martha Stewart: "When the chicken crosses a road, it's ready for the kitchen. Kill it, remove the feathers, gut it, baste it with clarified butter, and bake it for an hour and a half at 350 degrees. Don't forget to save the feathers -- you can make a nice decorative bonnet out of them."
Donald Trump: "The other side of the road had a better upside."
Pondering unanswerable questions is an exercise in futility. Banging your head against the wall is also an exercise in futility, but at least you burn off some calories. What difference does it make why the chicken crossed the road? The chicken crossed the road because the chicken crossed the road. Unless you can converse with a chicken and the chicken is inclined to answer your lame question, that's the only answer you're going to get.
People who ponder such things have too much time on their hands. The true question that needs pondering is how to get through life without working too hard at it or breaking the law.
Life is a mystery. Every answer leads to one or more questions, with no end in sight. But that's okay because most of the time the questions are more important than the answers anyway.
Quote for the Day -- "A chicken crossing a road is safer than one flying overhead." Bret
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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.