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Monday, Dec. 22, 2014

Fallen Beings

Posted Thursday, November 13, 2008, at 6:20 PM

Men are fallen beings. The wheelbarrow was invented so they could walk on their hind legs.

Women are fallen beings. The pedestal was invented to give them a better view and a place to be seen.

Being in love is a fallen state. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

Fallen beings often fall in love. But the odds of a fallen being finding a compatible mate are about the same as finding Jimmy Hoffa in a talkative mood.

Falling in love is only a starting point. When looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, for better or worse, there are many factors to take into account.

1) The Chemistry Factor -- You should be physically attracted to your mate and your mate should be physically attracted to you. If both conditions don't exist, you'd be better off mating with a beach ball.

2) The Intelligence Factor -- Two potential mates should have the same general intellect. If one is smart and the other is a dunderhead, there's no common ground. Intellectual pursuits and professional wrestling don't mix.

3) The Social Factor -- One mate wants to mingle with the rest of the world, while the other one wants to hang around the house and talk to house plants. Inevitably, the mingler will hook up with another mingler, abandoning the homebody to mingle as a single.

4) The Money Factor -- One mate spends money like it grows on trees and the other one saves pennies in a jar. This will cause a serious clash, followed by a Chapter 7, and ending with a separation to cheaper digs for both.

5) The Ambition Factor -- One mate is ambitious and the other is a couch potato. The ambitious mate will soon be driven to greener pastures by their work ethic. The couch potato will get to keep the couch.

6) The Personality Factor -- One mate is an introvert and the other is an extravert. Sometimes the introvert will simply go insane but it will go unnoticed. Extraverts can't help being obnoxious. Many of them move to California and try to get into show business. Those who stay behind often become lawyers or preachers.

7) The Pet Factor -- Dog people belong with dog people. Cat people belong with cat people. Those without pets belong with other pet-less people. Bird people may belong with other people, except with cat people who should only belong with other cat people. Goldfish people should remain single.

8) The Sports Factor -- Men love football. Women love figure skating. Women who love football are highly compatible with men. Men who love figure skating but don't like football should be required to move to France.

9) The Tidy Factor -- If one mate is neat-nick and the other mate is a slob, the neat-nick will eventually have a nervous breakdown. Normally, the slob is a man. If the slob is a woman, it's likely she's going through a hormonal phase or she's a Capricorn.

10) The Humor Factor -- If one mate is a wisecracking jokester and the other one has no sense of humor, the only communication possible will be loud, angry, incoherent or nonexistent. If one mate likes sophisticated political satire and the other one likes the Three Stooges, they belong on different planets.

11) The Values Factor -- A couple should possess the same general set of values. If one mate gets a thrill out of bashing mailboxes while the other one is off doing voluntary charity work, the odds of the relationship lasting are about the same as the odds of remaining unscathed after bashing the county sheriff's mailbox.

12) The Toilet Seat Factor -- One mate leaves the toilet seat up on occasion while the other mate insists it be put down. Mostly it's women who want it down. Men who want it down have deep psychological problems.

Other factors include religious, political, sexual, children, occupation, music, etc. The list goes on and on.

Falling in love is easy. So is falling off a cliff. Like falling in love, the end result can be rather unpleasant if you mess with the wrong cliff. A happy landing always depends on many factors that go unnoticed until after you've taken the plunge.

Men and women are fallen beings yearning for intimate companionship, hoping to find the right mate and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, ever after often ends in about five years.

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Quote for the Day -- "I almost dated a psychic woman once, but she dumped me before we met." Bret

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Boldly Going Nowhere
Bret Burquest
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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.
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