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Monday, Oct. 5, 2015
Joy to the WorldPosted Tuesday, December 9, 2008, at 5:18 PM
The winter solstice is upon us. Time to be with friends and family -- to eat, drink and be merry -- to give thanks for another joyous year on Planet Earth -- and to watch a lot of football.
Once upon a time, three wise men traveled from the east, following a bright star, and wound up in a stable in the little town of Bethlehem. There they presented a newly born baby with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh; once again proving that men have no clue when it comes to buying Christmas presents.
Gold is a heavy metal, frankincense is a liquid fragrance used in embalming and myrrh is a pungent resin that comes from a gum tree. There is no child on this planet, newly born or otherwise, that yearns for stationary metal objects, delicate fragrances or pungent resins. They'd rather play with the box it came in.
If it had been three wise women instead, they would have asked for directions along the way and arrived early. Then they would have helped with the delivery, had a potluck dinner and cleaned up the stable afterwards. And the gifts would have been more practical, such as a blanket, a pair of booties and a box of Huggies.
* * *
The three stages of man are:
1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3) He is Santa Claus.
* * *
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for a burglar named Dwight.
"Santa Claus is watching you," said a voice from the corner of the room.
The burglar froze. He shined his flashlight everywhere but saw no one. Cautiously, he took another step.
"Santa Claus is watching you," the voice said again.
Suddenly, Dwight spotted a parrot sitting on a perch in the far corner of the room.
"What's your name?" Dwight asked the parrot.
"Santa's Helper," the parrot said.
"What sort of idiot would name a parrot Santa's Helper?" asked the burglar.
"The same sort of idiot that would name a 180-pound rottweiler Santa Claus," the parrot told him.
* * *
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on Christmas Eve, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon, they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated whereupon the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
QUESTION: Who was the survivor?
ANSWER: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
NOTE: Women stop reading here -- men may continue.
So, if there is no Santa Claus and no perfect man, the woman must have been driving. This would explain why there was an accident.
And if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point -- women never listen.
* * *
Santa Claus has a different persona in the Redneck South where he's known as Billy Bob Claus.
Santa Claus is a fat guy with a beard wearing a bright red suit -- Billy Bob Claus is a fat guy with a beard wearing camouflage.
Santa Claus says, "Ho, ho, ho." -- Billy Bob Claus hollers, "Yee haw."
Kids leave cookies and milk out for Santa Claus -- kids leave Slim Jims and a Bud out for Billy Bob Claus.
Santa Claus rides in a sleigh with bells -- Billy Bob Claus rides in a Dodge pickup with a gun rack.
Santa Claus has reindeer pulling his sleigh -- Billy Bob Claus has a deer mounted on his wall.
Santa Claus always lands on rooftops -- Billy Bob Claus sometimes lands in a ditch.
Santa Claus slides down chimneys to get inside -- Billy Bob Claus uses a crowbar.
* * *
Republicans became Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
There will be no nativity displays in public view in Washington DC this holiday season. They were unable to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol, although there were plenty of jackasses to fill the stable.
Quote for the Day -- "Christmas is like any other day at the office. You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit."
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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.