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Thursday, Oct. 23, 2014

Hillbilly Astrology

Posted Thursday, January 1, 2009, at 5:49 PM

Hillbilly country starts in the hills and hollows of West Virginia, runs down through Virginia into the Carolinas and Tennessee, all the way to Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi. On the west side of the Mississippi River, hillbilly country is generally located in the Ozark Mountains of northern Arkansas and southern Missouri.

You'll also find plenty of hillbillies in places like Oklahoma, Idaho, Oregon, and even in areas around Los Angeles.

Hillbillies live simple lives, far from the madness of the modern world. City slickers tend to view them as lazy, backward, poor folks. They don't realize that hillbillies understand the folly of a system that was created to promote ambition in order to make the rich richer.

Far from being backward, hillbillies are actually way ahead of everyone else. They know how to exist without working very hard at it and will survive long after the rest of the world destroys itself.

Hillbillies live in a world of their own. They even have their own astrological chart.

GRITS (Dec 22-Jan 20): You are disorganized. None of the dead cars in your front yard are pointing in the same direction. You have lots of children with common names: such as Bonnie Sue, Bonnie Lee, Bonnie Fay, Bonnie Jane and Bonnie Fred. They all play with boys except for Bonnie Fred who mostly plays with herself.

COONHOUND (Jan 21-Feb 19): Like the coonhound, you are lazy and full of fleas. Every full moon you become quite hairy and have a compulsion to chase cats. Your furniture consists mainly of stacks of old tires. But your priorities are very practical. Your outhouse is a two-seater and it has the only roof that doesn't leak.

CATFISH (Feb 20-Mar 20): Like the catfish, you are a bottom feeder. You strive to be in the janitorial profession but were held back so many times in the fourth and fifth grades that you were forced to join the circus where you were given a shovel and told to follow the elephants.

ARMADILLO (Mar 21-Apr 20): You tend to be very particular about your appearance. You probably bathe on a regular basis, like once every month, and don't wear the same clothes more than 15 or 20 days in a row. You have two pairs of shoes -- one for church and one for when you don't go barefoot.

MUSKRAT (Apr 21-May 21): You have a tendency to be forgetful. Most likely, you'll choose an occupation where your name will be printed on your shirt, like auto mechanic or waitress. One day you may accidentally put your shirt on backwards and think your name is Fruit-of-the-Loom.

CHITLIN (May 22-Jun 21): You enjoy a good meal, about ten times a day. You try to keep your weight under 500 pounds so you can fit into the bed of a pickup truck without breaking an axle. You are a bit fussy about what you eat though. For example, you'll only stop for road-kill that's along the centerline or in the ditch.

POLECAT (Jun 22-Jul 23): You are ornery most of the time and are disliked by almost everyone around you, including yourself. Your favorite exercise is a good fistfight. You spend most of your time sitting on the front porch, next to your refrigerator. You've been married several times, mostly to cousins.

CHIGGER (Jul 24-Aug 23): You're usually unemployed, occasionally self-employed. You sell night crawlers along the roadside about 9 days each summer, collect aluminum cans along the highway during Labor Day weekend, and operate a fireworks stand for two weeks every year you're not in jail and can afford the inventory. The rest of the year you drink cheap beer and complain about how young kids these days are lazy.

CRAWDAD (Aug 24-Sep 23): Like the crawdad, you thrive in or near water. In fact, you probably live in a hollow near a swamp. Your breath is so nasty you can kill a moth at twenty feet just by exhaling. You can always tell what time of year it is by the shade of green of your five teeth.

POSSUM (Sep 24-Oct 23): You have a tendency to be flamboyant. You have yellow reflectors on the mud flaps of your pickup and fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror. All of your clothing contains rhinestones, including your undergarments. You wear a hat at all times, even when sleeping.

RACCOON (Oct 24-Nov 22): Like the raccoon, you only come out at night. You live alone in the woods and talk to yourself a lot. You have learned to be very self-sufficient. Your favorite vegetable is tree bark. You probably only have one dog and chances are it's tired of listening to your gibberish.

OKRA (Nov 23-Dec 21): You are fond of animals, perhaps a bit too fond. You spend much of your time talking to chickens, hogs and cats. However, sheep and goats tend to scatter in your presence. When you fall under the spell of sour mash, you also talk to trees.

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Quote for the Day -- "The difference between a farmer and a hillbilly is that a farmer raises livestock and a hillbilly gets emotionally involved." Bret

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Boldly Going Nowhere
Bret Burquest
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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.
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