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Dim Bulbs

Posted Tuesday, February 24, 2009, at 7:41 PM

Life is often stranger than fiction. Compiled from various sources over time, the following items are purported to be true stories. Obviously, we can't all be the brightest bulb on the tree.

California, the land of fruit and nuts, always has more than its share of dim bulbs. In Modesto, a man attempted to hold up a bank using a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. In a typical dim bulb maneuver, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket, making his apprehension a laughing matter and an easy task.

In Los Angeles, police were conducting a lineup. They asked each of the men in the lineup to say, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot." One of the suspects shouted: "That's not what I said!" Needless to say, another dim bulb bit the dust.

In San Francisco, a man walked into a Bank of America, wrote a robbery note on a deposit slip and stood in line waiting for his turn. He became impatient so he went across the street to rob a Wells Fargo Bank. The teller told him she couldn't accept a note written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he'd either have to rewrite it on a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. So the dim bulb, a mighty dim bulb indeed, went back to the Bank of America and stood in line until some men in blue came along and escorted him to jail.

In Bakersfield, a young couple bought a brand new speedboat and went to a lake to take it for a spin. They got the motor started just fine but it seemed very sluggish. They eventually made it to a nearby marina and had it examined by a mechanic. Upon inspection it was discovered that the trailer was still securely strapped under the boat. Dim bulbs have been known to run in pairs too.

Dim bulbs aren't restricted to California, although it would be helpful if they were. In Topeka, Kansas, a man attempted to hold up a convenience store. Finding the amount of cash on hand to be less than expected, he tied up the store clerk and began working the counter himself, hoping to accumulate more money in the process. He was arrested three hours later, still on duty behind the counter. He may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed but he had a good work ethic. Too bad he didn't get a job in the convenience store in the first place.

In Atlantic City, an elderly woman won a bucket of quarters on the slot machines in one of the casino hotels. On the way up to her room, two black men joined her in the elevator. Suddenly, one of the men said, "Hit the floor" whereupon the woman threw her bucket of quarters up in the air and sprawled on the elevator floor. The man politely explained that he meant for her to push a button for her floor; then they both helped her gather the scattered coins. The following morning the woman received a dozen roses. The card read: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed: Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan.

In Boston, a Catholic priest was standing on the sidewalk having a conversation with an older woman when a thug grabbed the woman's purse, knocking her to the ground, and hit the priest with a club, rendering him unconscious. The woman had two sons -- one was the priest she was talking to and the other was the top crime boss (Mafia) in the city. Somewhere in Boston is a dim bulb with the wrong purse and plenty of reason to avoid guys named Carmine, Vito or Big Tony. Relocating to somewhere beyond Jupiter might be a wise move.

In Finland, where taxes are among the highest in the world and the national pastime is depression, there is an office building full of dim bulbs. A tax official in his 60s died of a heart attack at his desk. Two days passed before any of his 30 co-workers noticed he had expired. Apparently accountants look like they're still working even though the distance between their face and the top of their desk is zero.

Dim bulbs provide an important benefit to mankind -- they make the rest of us look fairly intelligent.

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Quote for the Day -- "Be alert, the world needs more lerts." Woody Paige

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Bret Burquest lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and a dim bulb in his kitchen. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111

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Boldly Going Nowhere
Bret Burquest
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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.
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