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Friday, Dec. 19, 2014

Men and Their Dogs

Posted Thursday, July 9, 2009, at 12:51 PM

Dogs are the role model for living life. You can make a fool of yourself and your dog will make a fool of itself too, while laughing with its tail.

HOW TO UNDERSTAND MEN THROUGH THEIR DOGS is a book written by Wendy Diamond, informing women how to judge a man by the breed of dog he owns.

Since I have a keen insight into men and dogs, I can save you the price of the book. I have absolutely no insight into women but it seems irrelevant under the circumstances.

Sporting Dogs, such as pointers, retrievers, setters and spaniels, are field dogs bred for hunting. A man who owns a sporting dog is a lazy outdoorsman who needs a dog to do most of the work, like finding and retrieving game. He also wants a woman who will do most of the work, including stocking and retrieving beer. But he isn't too keen on pointing, especially someone pointing at him. If you want to be a waitress, this is your guy.

Hounds are used in hunting too but have a different personality. They sniff out a trail and make lots of noise, called baying. When not hunting, hounds are very lazy and spend a lot of time napping. If you want a man who is primarily a couch potato, when he's not out sniffing around and making lots of noise, a hound man is for you.

Working dogs include boxers, pinchers and huskies. They also include very large dogs such as Great Danes, Rotweilers and Mastiffs. Men who have large dogs, particularly pit bulls, are men who have difficulty coping with the world. They're macho on the outside and frightened on the inside. Their dog is their protection. Dangerous paranoid men have dangerous paranoid dogs. If you seek danger and paranoia, join the military.

Non-sporting dogs include Bichon Frises, Shar-peis, Lhasa Apsos, Schipperkes and Shiba Inus. These are pretentious dogs with pretentious names. A man who owns one of them is a pretentious man who probably thinks a slick necktie is hot and jazz is cool. He owns a trendy car, wears fashionable clothes, sniffs his brandy and checks for lint. Unless you're a fashion model or a Capricorn, you won't be pretentious enough for him.

Terriers are feisty dogs, bred to kill vermin, with little tolerance for other animals, including other dogs. A man who owns a terrier is a feisty man who has little tolerance for others, including his alter ego. If you have a psychological need to have a man snarling at you, find a man who has a terrier.

Toy dogs are miniature versions of the real things. Men with toy dogs are miniature versions of real men, unless they live in an apartment and there's no room for a bigger dog. They usually have limp wrists and a flair for decorating a room. If you want someone to do your hair, find a toy dog man. Otherwise move on.

Herding dogs are made up of shepherds, collies and other breeds that control the movement of animals, primarily cattle or sheep. They are highly intelligent, easy to maintain and have a natural instinct to nibble at the heels of whatever they are herding. My previous dog was an Australian Cattle Dog, also known as a Queensland Blue Heeler. They are magnificent creatures, much like their owners. Just make sure to keep them from nibbling at your heels, and keep their dogs from nibbling at your heels too.

A mutt is a dog of mixed breed and low status. It's more carefree than purebreds because it doesn't have to live up to some meaningless standard. Mutt men don't live up to meaningless standards either. My current dog is a mutt. As best as anyone can tell, he's part spaniel, part terrier and part goofball. I'm part Swedish, part German, part English and part rebel. He's very good at frolicking with skunks and I'm very good at avoiding the rest of the world. If you want a carefree man of questionable status, find a mutt man. Be sure to check for fleas.

A man without a dog has no soul. If a man has nothing to give a dog, he has nothing to give a woman.

A man with more than two dogs has too much responsibility. If a man pays too much attention to his dogs he has no time for a woman.

Either way, you'll be ignored.

Owning a cat is like owning a fuzzy rock that changes position once in a while. A man who owns a cat prefers indifference to companionship. If you want to be treated like a fuzzy rock, find a cat man.

Certain dog men make good companions. If you scratch their bellies, they'll aim to please.

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Quote for the Day -- "Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend." Corey Ford

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Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and plenty of room to make fools of themselves. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111

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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.
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