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Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Blondes

Posted Wednesday, September 30, 2009, at 12:27 PM

According to anthropologists, blonde women first appeared during the last Ice Age, about 11,000 years ago. Prior to that, people on Earth generally had dark hair and dark eyes, but a genetic mutation took place when humans began migrating to northern latitudes, along with an insufficient food supply, creating fair-haired women.

Blonde hair, as well as red hair, is found in certain people (and other mammals) characterized by high levels of a pale pigment called phaeomelanin and lower levels of a dark pigment called eumelanin.

These days, various hues of blondness are present in approximately two percent of the world's population.

Most blondes come from Europe. In Western Europe, blondes tend to be golden in color. In Eastern Europe, they're mostly ash blondes. The highest proportion of blondes is found in the Eastern Baltic region.

Recently, the BBC reported that German scientists had concluded "the natural distribution of fair hair would cease within the span of 200 years due to the lack of recessive genes." Apparently, there are a low number of people carrying recessive genes, especially in nations of mixed heritage. The dominant genes (dark hair, dark eyes) overwhelm the recessive genes.

One anthropologist predicted the last blondes would come from Finland.

My natural inclination would be to do some blonde jokes here, such as:

Q) How do blonde brain cells die?

A) Alone.

Q) Why did the blonde stare at the frozen juice can?

A) Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q) How do you keep a blonde busy?

A) Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q) Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

A) To cover the valve stem.

Q) How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?

A) Tell her a joke on Tuesday.

But I realized it would be offensive to blondes so I decided not to include any blonde jokes.

Of course, not all blondes are dumb. My ex-wife was a natural blonde. She had worked at Rockwell and Lockheed as a systems analyst, and at IBM as a systems engineer. You don't get technical positions in the aerospace industry unless you're fairly intelligent or very good at interviewing for jobs.

She was three-quarters Norwegian which would account for her blonde hair, and one-quarter dingbat which would account for her erratic behavior, particularly during high tides and full moons.

Her main preoccupation, besides spending more money than we were taking in, was making plans. As a planner, she was prolific and flawless. Unfortunately, most of these plans never came to fruition because she was always too busy working on the next set of goals to ever follow through on them.

Our marriage was a lot like a joy ride on the Titanic. It was fun while it lasted, but when we finally hit the inevitable iceberg all we could do was jump into separate life rafts and drift in opposite directions. While I would be busy rowing toward the nearest shore in my raft, she would probably be sitting in the front seat of another raft making plans for a landing celebration while watching others doing all the rowing.

Life goes on.

But I still love women, regardless of hair color. I just don't care for those inflicted with dingbat blood.

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Quote for the Day -- "Wal-Mart... do they like make walls there?" Paris Hilton

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Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where blondes prefer gentlemen. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111

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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.
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