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Friday, Aug. 22, 2014

Stupid Quotes

Posted Monday, June 21, 2010, at 5:15 PM

Human beings are idiots. They often prove it whenever they open their mouths, which is why I live alone in the woods and keep my mouth shut. Some quotes from idiots below, followed by observations from me (BB).

Eva Longoria, actress, when asked to describe her year in five words --"My urine? Describe my urine in five words? I don't think I can do it in five. Oh --- my year!"

(BB -- I can describe my urine in 3 words)

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Al Gore, former U.S. vice president

(BB -- is he describing global warming or his latest confab with Tipper?)

"If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?" - Cynthia Heimel, Author

(BB -- Duh)

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win." - Doug Collins, basketball commentator

(BB -- Basketball commentators are former basketball players, basically tall non-mathematicians)

"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents." - George Wallace 1968 presidential campaign

(BB -- Wallace was the former governor of Alabama. In Alabama, everyone can count to 10, unless they are missing some fingers)

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before." - Dwight Eisenhower, former U.S. President

(BB -- Actually, the world is more like it was before when it was more like it was when it was now)

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on." - Samuel Goldwyn, early movie producer

(BB -- Unless it's written on the wind)

"To me, the greatest book of all time is The Bible because there's some religious stuff in it!" - Jim Rosenberg, author

(BB -- Lots of blood and lust, but a very complex plot)

"I get so tired listening to one million dollars here, one million dollars there, it's so petty." - Imelda Marcos, former First Lady in the Philippines

(BB -- Imelda owned 5,000 pairs of shoes while much of her nation lived in poverty. There are human light-workers and human pigs. Oink, oink, Ms. First Lady)

"People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius." - Jerry Lewis, comedian

(BB -- No, people hate you because you are an egomaniacal, self-absorbed, self-righteous, internationally famous jerk)

"Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it?" - Harry News, music reviewer

(BB -- And if you can answer that, you win a cookie)

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." - Andre Dawson, former professional baseball player

(BB -- I prefer a hand-held copulating device with fresh batteries)

"The internet is a great way to get on the net." - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

(BB -- A bathtub is a great way to take a bath)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." - Greg Norman, Golfer

(BB -- Norman is from Australia, where everything is upside-down))

"Most lies about blondes are false." - Cincinnati Times-Star, headline

(BB -- That's why blondes have more fun)

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." - Dizzy Dean, former professional baseball player

(BB -- If they found nothing, it means nothing was not missing)

"Half of this game is ninety percent mental." - Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

(BB -- Half of a baseball game is ninety percent boring. The other ninety percent is peanuts and beer.)

"That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." - A congressional candidate in Texas.

(BB -- In Texas, this statement is redundant)

"For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow." - David Frost, British Talk Show Host

(BB -- Frost is British. He serves a queen. He has been emasculated by his surroundings. One cannot expect an emasculated queen-worshiper to know yesterday from tomorrow.)

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." - Vlade Divac, Basketball player

(BB -- Obviously, I have a lot more information stored in my head than needed)

"So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?" - Christina Aguilera

(BB -- Cannes, Iowa)

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." - Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Cal)

(BB -- My life will never be the same after learning that Congress is made up of idiots)

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer

(BB -- I get up every day at noon, regardless of whether it's night or day)

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

(BB -- It's only people who are idiots)

"I need more sex, okay? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world." - Angelina Jolie

(BB -- Drop by and nibble on me, babe. I taste a bit like rhubarb dipped in brake fluid)

"Solutions are not the answer." - Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

(BB -- And the answers from DC are never the solutions either. It works both ways.)

"We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles." -- former Arizona Governor Wesley Bolin

(BB -- Yes, problems can be troubles. But a penny saved is a penny earned)

"Being married means I can break wind and eat ice cream in bed" - Brad Pitt, actor.

(BB -- Hey, Brad. Your main squeeze is headed my way to taste me. I will break wind to make her feel at home.)

"Underwear is such an emotional thing." - Elle MacPherson, actress

(BB -- Being in a fight with a grizzly bear, with only an empty can of beer and a lead pencil, is also an emotional thing)

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" - Lee Iacocca

(BB -- No, it is you who must pause and ask yourself: Should I make an appointment to have my head examined?)

During the 1994 Miss USA Pageant, Amie Beth Dickinson, Miss Alabama, in response to the question: If you could live forever, would you and why? -- "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

(BB -- If we were supposed to be smart, then we would be smart, but we cannot be smart, which is why we are not smart.)

My ex-wife once told me, after making a very costly purchase, "I put it on the credit card so it really didn't cost anything."

(BB -- All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the problems)

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Quote for the Day -- "Stupid is as stupid does." Forrest Gump

_

Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where animals are fifty percent smarter than ninety percent of the humanoids. His blogs appear on several websites, including www.myspace.com/bret1111

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Comments
Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

Bret,

I don't know you because we don't know each other.

(I was trying to think of something sufficiently stupid...and

didn't even have to try hard...to find a way to open this conversation)

I really enjoyed the blog. I'm still laughing and I'm not much of a laugher.

I am the new reporter here and look forward to meeting you sometime. I always enjoy or rants (I mean opinions...)!!

-- Posted by Richard Irby on Fri, Jun 25, 2010, at 8:54 AM


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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.
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