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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Spotting Bad Real Estate Agents

Posted Wednesday, August 29, 2012, at 10:10 PM

The best investment on Earth is earth.

Throughout my perilous journey through life on Planet Earth, I have purchased (and sold) homes in southern California (North Hollywood, Oxnard, Sherman Oaks), Wickenburg, Arizona, and Salem, Arkansas.

When seeking to purchase a home, the first step is to narrow-down a compatible area that fits your needs, desires and budget. The next step is finding the right real estate agent, which isn't always a simple task -- sometimes, your real estate may turn out to be a few slices short of a full loaf.

TOP TEN REASON YOU MAY HAVE A WACKO REAL ESTATE AGENT

1) The agent shows up to give you a tour, on his Harley, and tells you to "hop on."

2) The agent can't attend open houses on weekends because he's busy delivering pizzas.

3) When you spot a leak in the roof, the agent calls it a natural shower and adds another 1/2 to the bathroom count.

4) The agent tells you that if he doesn't get a commission soon, he's going back to his old job of shoplifting at Wal Mart.

5) The phone number of the agent is the pay phone in the men's room at an Indian casino.

6) The agent won't work with you unless you're a Libra or a Scorpio.

7) When you express an interest in a property, the agent immediately falls to his knees and kisses your feet.

8) The agent wants you to call him by his nickname, Slick, because there are several arrest warrants out for him under his real name.

9) The agent submits all written offers on the back of napkins he pilfered from Taco Bell.

10) The agent can only show properties south of the railroad tracks and west of the highway because of restraining orders.

I once bought a house in a depressed area -- the prices weren't particularly low, but all the people in the area were bummed out.

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Quote for the Day -- "Next to the writer of real estate advertisements, the autobiographer is the most suspect of prose artists." Donal Henahan

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Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books, including THE REALITY OF THE ILLUSION OF REALITY and 11:11 EARTH TIME (available on Amazon). He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where a home for sale listed as "cozy" usually refers to a hollow tree.

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Boldly Going Nowhere
Bret Burquest
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Bret Burquest is a former award-winning columnist for The News (2001-2007) and author of four novels. He has lived in Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Miami, Atlanta, Kansas City, Memphis and the middle of the Arizona desert. After a life of blood, sweat and tears in big cities, he has finally found peace in northern Arkansas where he grows tomatoes, watches sunsets and occasionally shares the Secrets of the Universe (and beyond) with the rest of the world.
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