The following actual church bulletin notices are selected and compiled from various sources.
* The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for tomorrow has been canceled due to a conflict.
* On a church bulletin during the minister's illness -- GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Peterson is better.
* Let us join George and Louise in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
* Miss Holly Detmer sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
* On a church postcard -- I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.
* Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Tuesday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
* Weight Watchers will meet Wednesday at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* 17 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Mable Fields last evening. Mrs. Fields and Mrs. Simmons sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
* Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
* Doris Olson and Peter Henderson were married on May 21 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
* Potluck supper -- prayer and medication to follow.
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
* Evening massage - 6 p.m.
* The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.
* Next Sunday Mrs. Johnson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Robert Brown, who has Mrs. Brown with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Browns.
* The Rev. Halsted spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of James Weston Buelow, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Andrea Buelow.
* A song fest was hell at the Methodist church on Tuesday.
* "Wise Up, O Men of God". Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* Romona and Fred request your presents at their wedding.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.B. Karloff supplied our pulpit.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* Please welcome Pastor David, a caring individual who loves hurting people.
* Patty remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Anderson's sermons.
* There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.
* The seventh-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:30 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.
* The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
* Janet will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* Wednesday at 5:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* The choir will meet at the Lawson house for fun and sinning.
* The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
* The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
* Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.
* Women's Luncheon -- Each member bring a sandwich. Arlene Hanson will give the medication.
* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge----Up Yours."
* Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
* Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
* Brother Leonard has gone on to be the Lord. The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
* The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
* A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
* Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
* Thursday the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Freeman will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Quote for the Day -- "May the Force be with you." Obi-Wan Kanobi
Bret Burquest is the author of 11 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a few dogs and where treating others the way you want to be treated is sound advice