As a wanna-be columnist and blogger, I like comments. There, I've admitted it. I like comments. (Hello, person who likes comments.) They are our bread and butter, sort of the old acknowledgement, the clue that no, Virginia, it ain't just you pecking away with one finger at the keyboard with the mongrels by your side and a cup of chamomile on the table.
Maybe it is a longing for the old days when I would intentionally bug my younger sister, she would call me an idiot, and I would start laughing and get in trouble. Even so, it never wore thin and in fact emboldened my nine year-old spirit. I think that my origins in wanting to write columns and bug people came from that. It's all so Freudian and Zen that even I don't get it.
So, based on my dealings with my sister, I thought that I would be pleased when someone called me an idiot over a column, but when it happened and a reader called me a "moron" and the letter appeared in the paper, I was incensed and even taken aback. ' Why would someone call me a moron?' I wondered, 'when I know I am right?'
The problem is that when no one comments, I wonder why not, and when they do, I wonder why they wrote that. (Let's not mince any words here, there is something Freudian and Zen-like about that, too.)
Then several weeks ago, and I am now ready to talk about it, some hauled off for insinuating, yes, based on a movie, that Queen Elizabeth I, may have been less than nun-like. You would think I laughed at King Arthur or Buckingham Palace or something.
So as a method of damage control, I am going to list some comments that are acceptable. If you can't cut and paste them into your browser, then just refer to them by number, and I will figure out the rest.
1. Whoever said you are an idiot, is the true idiot.
2. You are a moron like I am a casino operator.
3. You are so funny I nearly split my pants laughing.
4. You are the best thing to hit the planet since sliced bread.
5. All roses and stars in the sky pale in comparison to you.
6. I would like to fork over all my money and polo ponies to you.
7. All of the above
It's called being straightforward and direct, and I feel better just getting it off my chest. Thank you, amen and over and out.