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Beware, the Scouge of Internet Dating

Posted Monday, February 27, 2012, at 4:40 PM

The Brain While Using an Internet Dating Site
It's a good thing I learned about breathing deeply during yoga. The strategy will help me until my three-month nonrefundable membership on an internet dating site expires.

Since joining the latest one the past three days ago, my emotions have run the gamut like a ping-pong ball during a game.

For in seventy-two hours alone, men have asked me why I haven't been married, if I've ever lived with anyone, my weight, even though a recent picture is posted, for my phone number, after an instant message with solely the word "hi" on it, and for my email address so he could send his music demo, even though I am not an agent.

In that vein, I have created a list of online dating rules for when the yoga breathing thing goes out.

Rule # 1: He who does not have the courtesy to answer an email is not worth your time. Liken it to dodging an anvil, which it well may be.

Rule # 2: He who has a good picture and coherent profile is not necessarily going to be too coherent in person. I learned this while talking to a VGL doctor who wanted to take my stats within five minutes of our first (and consequently last) phone conversation. There is a time a place for everything and probing into someone's past thirty seconds in isn't it.

Rule # 3: He who hasn't posted a picture often has something to hide. Either he is married or has some other juicy tidbit he is trying to keep under wraps. Run, and not in the same direction, either.

Still, there are going to be moments when you come in contact with someone who looks good and normal, one who isn't posing with a deer head attached to his wall or with legs splayed around a beer keg, even though said person can be a lummox in disguise. When this happens and you fall prey to one of these, there are always some "Snappy Comebacks to Sappy Questions."

1.) Why aren't you married. Because I just got out of jail, or... why are you divorced, separated, etc?

2.) When was your last relationship? ... Are you a secret agent for the Census Bureau?

3.) How much do you weigh? ... Do you work for Jenny Craig on commission?

4.) Do you want children? .... With you or in general? Because it it's with you then I'd rather live in quicksand, but if it's in general, then that's okay.

Maybe the yogis' were right, or was it John Dillinger?

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I'm Not Crazy -- It's Them
Gail-Tzipporah Saunders
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Behold, I, like many others before me, come forth with a new blog. Mine, however, starts off with posts about the joys and wonders of pepper spray then branches out to other maladies as well.
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