Dear Kindly Landlords:
I am a former Chicago expat, who went somewhere over the rainbow to the never-never land of Los Angeles, but who's now returned, and I have a humble request. Being a living, breathing organism, I need a place to live. Scratch that. My dogs, Mookie Moo and Bitsy Boo, and I need a place to live.
So I am asking you to make an allowance and drop the no dogs policy that you have adopted while I was away. I do not have rottweilers, pit bulls or dogs that bare their teeth at others.
On our daily jaunts, the scenario goes like this: They see a person; they go up to the person and they lick the person.
Then said person usually asks their names, what breed they are and how old they are while I stand around like their publicist answering questions. In the past three years I've had them, no one has ever asked me my age, name or anything like that. Period. End of story.
Some of you have relaxed this policy a bit and only allow one dog. Well, I happen to have two that weigh around fifteen pounds each. If I tied them together, they'd equal one mid-sized dog.
(This, by the way, would make a good math question on a multiple-choice test. "If Gail has two dogs that weigh fourteen pounds a piece, and she ties them together, how much will the two weigh together?
a. twenty pounds
b. twenty one pounds
c. twenty eight pounds
d. all of the above
e. none of the above
The sources say that c is usually the correct answer, and the sources are right.)
Math problems aside, how you can deny us, I do not know. I am a reasonable, upstanding citizen. I pay my rent, my taxes, the electric bill and such, and I even return money when overcharged, and the only thing the canines can be accused of being is too friendly, as evidenced by all the people they've kissed and all the UPS deliverymen and mail carriers they've tried running off with.
So, kindly landlord, we would appreciate your giving us a break before I surgically attach them to one another.
Thank you, amen and over and out.
Yours in Peace, Unity and Harmony,
Gail, Mookie Moo and Bitsy Boo