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How I Flunked Self-Defense

Posted Sunday, March 25, 2012, at 11:01 AM

I started taking Israeli self-defense, or Krav Maga, after being stalked by a crazed lesbian. It is a long but true story.

Not that I, in the spirit of political correctness, have anything against lesbians or crazy people. It's just that I don't like that kind of attention, be it from anyone, a man, woman or hermaphrodite. So after a while, I decided to take up self-defense, in case she got any more funny ideas. After a few minutes of research and google searches, I went to the nearest Krav Maga outlet for a free trial class.

After I danced around a bit, they told me what a natural I was, I agreed to pay the monthly fee and signed up. But progress was slow as I hit a plateau from there.

Then several months in after I started showing up more or less on time, we were doing practice kicks with an instructor who'd bench pressed so much weight, his neck had expanded to the girth of his shoulders. He was just that buff.

Then during one class, he got the brilliant idea to allow us to use him as a decoy to practice stomach kicks. We were to run up and knee him in the stomach while he protected himself with a padded shield. Everyone else executed the move brilliantly, except for me. I ran up, grabbed his shoulders, missed the solar plexis area entirely and sent the kick to what he called his peppers. He dropped the shield, grabbed his groin and went down by the count of one.

In Krav Maga lingo, they would say it was his fault for not protecting himself from an oncoming attacker. After that, the other students changed levels like Jackie Chan on steroids, I remained in Level I because he reused to sign any papers to advance me.

It was then that I started buying pepper spray by the troves.

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And an A+ for you from here, too! Please, next time you are near a large department store, go to the mens department, robes to be specific, and pick you up a Black Terry Robe BELT. Now, use your black belt only in self defense.

I have named your kick in honor of what a natural you are, I am calling it " The Gail".

My chevyman won't ever need "The Gail" but in all my years of serving the public, I could have given out " The Gail" to a few!

Next time you reach to buy the pepper spray, grab a can of wasp and hornet spray~ouchie ouch~and it sure reaches alot further than the pepper spray!

-- Posted by Bigozarkhill on Mon, Mar 26, 2012, at 3:34 PM

You won a gold star in my book. You effectively defended yourself, helped teach your classmates, and possibly offered the teacher some knowledge, though it didn't seem like he admitted it. Not letting you advance because you hurt his feelers shows he was really quite a little man on the inside. I used to teach women's self-defense, there's plenty of teachers who would have handled that better, don't judge them all by his actions. Keep practicing that kick, it's a winner.

-- Posted by swen on Mon, Mar 26, 2012, at 8:54 AM

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I'm Not Crazy -- It's Them
Gail-Tzipporah Saunders
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Behold, I, like many others before me, come forth with a new blog. Mine, however, starts off with posts about the joys and wonders of pepper spray then branches out to other maladies as well.
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