I'm Not Crazy -- It's Them by Gail-Tzipporah Saunders http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/ en-us Scott Walker, Mrahahaha http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/47228 Being a civil servant is one of the best jobs for a lifetime of security and relative ease and comfort. The perks are good. The hours are steady, and a being could spend the day moving the same set of papers from one pile to another and still get paid. It is employment nirvana. Then there are those so-called civil public servants and politicos who are just bucking for a firing, though they might not know it at first. It may be part of their subconscious id, ego or superego, but they... Wed, 11 Apr 2012 09:43:22 -0500 John Derbyshire was Right, Damn it http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/47187 One of my recent pet peeves is that I hate phoniness and lies. I am, however, all in favor of good manners, of a being waiting his turn in line, of not budging, of saying please and thank you and of not stealing anything, but I hate the average lie. That's why I haven't yet married because unless I find that knee-knocking, teeth-chattering love, it isn't going to happen because anything less would be a sham. That's why I heard that my former bosses were on edge with me because they knew I... Sun, 08 Apr 2012 23:33:16 -0500 Getting out of Dodge, a Cautionary Tale http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/47140 I should have known that getting out of Dodge wasn't going to be easy, that perhaps it wasn't going to be without some drama, karma and some fanfare. I was leaving the Golden State, dagganbit, the home of Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Pixar Animation. A couple of things led to a dicey exit: It is a long state, the home to James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and Pixar Animation, I am always late and I wanted to cross state lines and get out of town. But Buffo Officer Friendly and that... Thu, 05 Apr 2012 12:36:31 -0500 Not Your Average Bear(s) http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/47073 I consider myself an intelligent being. I can divide, do basic dance steps, drive a car and write a check. But lately, I've been wondering if my two canines don't have one over on me because no matter how I try to plot and plan things out, they always come up with an angle I never thought of, that usually winds up costing me. Take the food arena. If reincarnation existed, then one of them was either a foodie or a san sous chef in a past life. In the past three years after I rescued him... Sun, 01 Apr 2012 08:23:11 -0500 Geraldo was Right as Rain http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/47032 Ernest T. Bass, the town Hillbilly on the "Andy Griffith Show," shared a tidbit about possums in Miss Krump's fifth grade classroom during the episode when he tried to get an elementary school diploma. But as fate would have it, he was also talking about life and the overly zealous liberal population. "I'll set you straight in a jiffy about how to go about finding a possum under a hole," said Ernest T. interrupting the math lesson yet again. "You light a fire or you jab at him with a... Wed, 28 Mar 2012 15:36:06 -0500 Sage Advice for Job Seekers http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/47003 Dear Readers: Do not let this happen to you. Never, and I mean ever, apply for a job at dawn with a cold and little sleep because you might mess up and not get the job. Here is but one example, if you will. "Dear Serge: It is essential that you hire me to write for your publication. I grew up in the area, have a love for the community, which is why I moved back from LA, and I like to write. Aside from one theatre review, most of my work has been in the opinion genre, though I... Tue, 27 Mar 2012 07:57:08 -0500 How I Flunked Self-Defense http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46977 I started taking Israeli self-defense, or Krav Maga, after being stalked by a crazed lesbian. It is a long but true story. Not that I, in the spirit of political correctness, have anything against lesbians or crazy people. It's just that I don't like that kind of attention, be it from anyone, a man, woman or hermaphrodite. So after a while, I decided to take up self-defense, in case she got any more funny ideas. After a few minutes of research and google searches, I went to the nearest... Sun, 25 Mar 2012 11:01:17 -0500 George Zimmerman,Current Poster Boy for Racism http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46940 If I hear one more word about George Zimmerman, the current poster boy for racism, I am going to cancel any future donations to the NAACP. (Not that I was planning on making anyway, but that isn't the point here.) Given Zimmerman's background and propensity for violence, shooting 17 year-old Trayvon Martin may have been racially motivated or not. Only time will tell, but the whole incident would barely have been a blip across the computer screen had Zimmerman been black and Treyvon... Thu, 22 Mar 2012 20:55:49 -0500 Calling all Kindly Landlords http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46925 Dear Kindly Landlords: I am a former Chicago expat, who went somewhere over the rainbow to the never-never land of Los Angeles, but who's now returned, and I have a humble request. Being a living, breathing organism, I need a place to live. Scratch that. My dogs, Mookie Moo and Bitsy Boo, and I need a place to live. So I am asking you to make an allowance and drop the no dogs policy that you have adopted while I was away. I do not have rottweilers, pit bulls or dogs that bare... Wed, 21 Mar 2012 21:07:02 -0500 The C'est la Vie School of Classroom Management http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46868 I've always been studying the fine are of swearing. Maybe it's because I heard some real choice ones every-so-often growing up; maybe it's because I know their healing powers in staving off ulcers and the like, or maybe it's because in the end, there's nothing like the power of a heartfelt swearword to make the world seem like a brighter place. I do not like to be sworn at, though. And if I'm going to do it, prefer to do it under my breath and in the car with the windows closed as I... Sun, 18 Mar 2012 20:16:01 -0500 Marilyn Haggerty: Accidental Anti-Snark Crusader http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46832 There's a new restaurant review that has given snarkiness a little shove over the edge, at least for the next few days. It started when Marilyn Hagerty, a restaurant reviewer from Grand Forks, North Dakota wrote a review for a locak Olive Garden. There was not one nasty comment or one snarky sentiment in the whole piece. Shortly after she posted, it went viral and she made the morning talk show circuit. It may not kill the snarky reign that has grabbed hold of the media and has it in a... Thu, 15 Mar 2012 17:20:50 -0500 To Karen and Dan http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46775 Sometimes a name from my sometimes checkered past will come into my head and I will google the person or look for them on Facebook. Sometimes I barely recognize the person; they've changed and morphed so much. And sometimes I am sorry I even started anything. It happened with Karen, my friend from high school. Her name popped into my head one night after not being in contact for years, and I googled her and came upon the phrase "is survived by." The mind plays tricks and not wanting to... Mon, 12 Mar 2012 12:47:53 -0500 Shantelle Hicks, Planned Parenthood is Looking for You http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46734 It is 15 year-olds like Shantelle Hicks and her lawyers that make me consider taping my Republican membership card back together and going to one of thei rallies. After the powers that be at Hicks' school, Wingate Elementary, a K-8 boarding school in New Mexico, learned that Hicks was pregnant, they expelled her. But she was readmitted after the ACLU informed the school that they couldn't deny her an education because of her condition. So after readmitting her, they made her stand during... Fri, 09 Mar 2012 09:16:39 -0600 The Beauty of Birth Control http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46700 Forget what I recently said about the people of Colorado and their drivers. They've just gained some clout in my book after authorities handcuffed an eleven year-old girl for being rude and argumentative in school. Some may say, "How dare they," but until the girl's lawyer comes a calling, it will be one small step for all teachers and one giant leap for mankind, that is, until the lawyers come a calling. I've long since learned that some parents and their mini mes could make Ahmadinejad... Tue, 06 Mar 2012 21:45:37 -0600 I Swear http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46660 One of the first words anyone learns in a foreign language are the swear words, and there's a reason for that; they are wonderful. That is why when I dabble in a foreign language, I always keep myself apprised of them. They don't require and conjugating, they help bridge cultural gaps and at the same time they let me know if anyone is talking about me. They also help relieve daily stress and strain, so for example, if a customer is in a Chinese restaurant and there are more than... Mon, 05 Mar 2012 00:46:02 -0600 Dear GOP: Deliver us from Rush Limbaugh http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46651 Dear GOP: Could someone come and collect Rush Limbaugh before I burn my GOP membership card? I know he's not the type to hang out on the English countryside and drink tea with pinkie extended. I know he's no yogi, but he really outdid himself by calling Sandra Fluke a "slut" and a "prostitute" after she appealed to Congress for insurers to cover women's contraceptives. Afterwards when sponsors started bailing from his show and even his own homies started criticizing... Sun, 04 Mar 2012 07:24:27 -0600 Avoiding Colorado http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46621 Now that I've had time to recover and regroup from my cross-country drive, it is time for a rating of each state on AAA's Northern Route scenic tour. The dogs and I started off in the west with the intentions of going east in a whirlwind of let's see this country bravado. (In truth, I had no idea what they dogs were thinking and probably projected the thoughts onto them.) The first couple of hundred miles in my escape from California were fine with lots of Starbucks, purple mountain... Thu, 01 Mar 2012 12:05:35 -0600 Beware, the Scouge of Internet Dating http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46557 It's a good thing I learned about breathing deeply during yoga. The strategy will help me until my three-month nonrefundable membership on an internet dating site expires. Since joining the latest one the past three days ago, my emotions have run the gamut like a ping-pong ball during a game. For in seventy-two hours alone, men have asked me why I haven't been married, if I've ever lived with anyone, my weight, even though a recent picture is posted, for my phone number, after an... Mon, 27 Feb 2012 16:40:50 -0600 Coming Home Again http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46486 Before driving back to Chicago, an acquaintance who is also from the fair metropolis but vowed never return for fear of freezing his gottkes, long underwear or whatever off, said that you can't go home again. Wanting to be polite, I merely gave him one of those California looks and stared around his chin, but inside I scoffed and thought, "You can, and I will." But in ways, he was right and wrong. You can go home again meaning that you can return to the essence of a place, but at the... Thu, 23 Feb 2012 10:06:23 -0600 Making a Living Where People Drive Cars http://www.areawidenews.com/blogs/imnotcrazy/entry/46404 I've thought of a way to make a handsome living in Chicago, or in many other major cities where people drive cars. It is to own a parking garage. The idea came to me after driving around to get to an event that I never made it to partially because I couldn't find parking. I believe that the parking faeries, and whoever's palms they greased in City Hall, converged to make it so. Everyone knows that their evil stepsister, the ever-present towing companies, are ready to swoop down on those who... Sun, 19 Feb 2012 12:53:25 -0600