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Thursday, May 5, 2016

Boldly Going Nowhere

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Three Matters

On Saturday, Sept. 11, the fourth annual Arts Fair on the Hill will be held from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. at Fountain Place in Cherokee Village. Cherokee Village Lutheran Church (adjacent to Fountain Place) will be holding their annual Brat Fest in the main dining room of Fountain Place at the same time.

The fair is sponsored by local art organizations with proceeds going to Fountain Place, an independent retirement community. Local and regional artists will be displaying their work. Writers from Cherokee Village, Salem, Batesville and Jonesboro will be on hand signing their books. Jewelry makers and carvers plan to hold demonstrations of their craft. Music will be provided by the Northeast Ozark Community Band and others. As always, there will be plenty of food, entertainment, merriment and mirth.

Several national quilt winners plan to exhibit their quilts and wall hangings. A handmade quilt donated by a resident of Fountain Place is to be raffled off during the event. This quilt is presently on display in the Fountain Place dining room and raffle tickets may be purchased anytime prior to the event.

I attended the Art Fair two years ago and sold one of my novels before I could set up my display. It was the first autograph I had even signed. I haven't signed too many since, but like most things in life, I'll always remember the first time. I may attend again this year -- I could use a little mirth in my life these days.

For donations or questions about the Art Fair contact Carol Funke at 257-2778 or Barbara Massie at 257-3837. Brat Fest questions should go to Jay Biebertiz at 257-5431.

* * *

Last month, someone at The News forwarded an e-mail to me. It had a return e-mail address from an ISP in Denmark and was signed by a person named Rowan. It read, "I've a comment to your article about Bilderberger; Prince Bernhard is a Dutchman and a former member of the Nazi Party -- not a Dane as written."

I had written a newspaper column in May, titled "Bilderbergers and Hackensackers," where I did indeed mistakenly refer to Prince Bernhard as being from Denmark rather than from The Netherlands (Holland). I should have known better.

Holland is where they wear wooden shoes and stick their fingers in dikes. Denmark is where they become agitated whenever anyone confuses them with wooden-shoed, finger-sticking Dutchmen. Mistaking a Dutchman for a Dane is a lot like mistaking a regular monkey wrench for a left-handed monkey wrench -- only a skilled mechanic (or a monkey) can tell the difference.

To expedite the correction of my errors, I now include my e-mail address in the tagline at the end of my columns. This will alleviate e-mail congestion at the newspaper office and allow me to communicate with the avid readers of my columns -- both of them.

* * *

Last year I won a first-place award from the Arkansas Press Association for a humor column in a medium-sized weekly newspaper written during the previous year (2002). This year, I won a second-place award in the same category for columns written in 2003. Obviously, either the fix was in or I'm slipping.

The judge commented, "Too funny -- wonderful rhythm." Apparently, I was too funny for first place but funny enough for second place. My initial reaction included a moment of confusion and a vision of being trapped in an elevator with my ex-wife during a new moon. But being the humble person I am, I accept the fact I didn't come in first place this year and vow to be less humorous from now on so I can recapture the crown next year.

In any event, I thank the Arkansas Press Association for the honor again this year, even though the judge was under the impression that a humor column is not supposed to be too funny. Either that or he was inebriated.