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Monday, May 2, 2016

Boldly Going Nowhere

Thursday, August 7, 2003

Great Distances

Ozarka College is a public institution committed to excellence in education, training and service. Its motto is "A Short Drive to Great Distances." That's probably a fancy way of saying, "If you want to get someplace in life, you need to learn a few things first to get the ball rolling."

The main campus is located in Melbourne, with satellite facilities in Mountain View and Ash Flat. Ozarka offers a two-year associate of arts degree and a college transfer program to statewide four-year institutions.

Some of the programs include:

*Automotive Service Technology

*Business Technology

*Criminal Justice Leadership

*Culinary Arts

*General Technology

*Health Information Management

*Information Management Technology

*Physical Therapist Assistant

*Practical Nursing

Open registration for fall semester starts Aug. 11 and continues through Aug. 15. For information visit the Web site at www.ozarka.edu or phone 870-368-7371 (800-821-4335). Classes start the following Monday, Aug. 18, but you can still register during the first week of class.

I've been an adjunct instructor at Ozarka since the fall of 2001. I prefer to teach night school, especially during a full moon when my body turns hairy and I have wild mood swings. I'll be teaching the following classes during fall semester this year.

*Introduction to Computers -- 6-9 p.m. Mondays at Ash Flat

* Introduction to Computers -- 6-9 p.m. Tuesdays at Melbourne

*Computer Information Systems -- 6-9 p.m. Wednesdays at Ash Flat

While I don't mingle with the full-time faculty, mainly to maintain my own sanity, here are a few tidbits I've picked up from the rumor mill in the back room where they keep the photocopy machine.

* Reaching great distances in a short drive implies lots of walking after the car breaks down.

* Ozarka is Akrazo spelled backward.

* Business technology instructors assign grades randomly to avoid the pesky task of correcting tests.

* Sometimes practical nursing students aren't very practical.

* Students caught cheating are severely reprimanded for incorrect answers thereby encouraging them to learn the correct answers before cheating.

* A prerequisite for beginning math is 10 fingers and 10 toes.

* The football team is undefeated.

* * *

I recently received a first-place award for the best humor column of 2002 in a medium-sized weekly newspaper in Arkansas. There were 23 entries in my category. Believe it or not, I didn't even have to bribe or threaten anyone, although I did consider it a couple of times.

I'd like to thank the Arkansas Press Association for their infinite wisdom and sound judgment. Now all I have to do is come up with some more gibberish for next week's column.