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Sunday, July 13, 2014

Boldly Going Nowhere

Friday, June 21, 2002

Understanding Women

According to Johnny Chucklehead, the fictitious name of a friend of mine who sends me jokes on occasion, the book of Genesis is missing a few details.

When Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden, feeling a bit lonely, God decided to create a companion for him called woman.

"She will be very pretty and eager to please you," God told Adam. "She will gather food, cook for you and wash your clothes when you finally get around to wearing some. She will always agree with everything you do or say and always admit she was wrong when you've had an argument. She will freely give you love and passion whenever you wish and always praise you."

Adam asked God, "What will this cost?"

"An arm and a leg," God replied.

Adam paused for a moment, then asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest is history.

It may take a few years, but sooner or later most men finally figure out that women are different. Women somehow know this from birth and look forward to spending their entire lives molding a man into something they imagine would please them. But creating a diamond from a chunk of carbon rarely works, except under extreme pressure, because men are from Mars, a planet where football is on TV every day of the week, and women are from Venus, a planet where toilet lids are always down.

Understanding women is a lot like trying to understand a pile of rocks. You'll never know what they're thinking, even when they tell you what they're thinking.

Over the years, I've picked up a few clues along the way that I'd be happy to share with you.

If a woman says "Maybe" it means "No."

"We need to talk" = "I need to complain."

"I'm sorry" = "You'll be sorry."

"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."

"You have to learn to communicate" = "Just agree with me."

"It's your decision" = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."

"We need" = "I want."

"You're so manly" = "You need a shower and a shave."

"I'll be ready in a minute" = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV."

"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."

"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you jerk."

"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."

"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going to like."

Now you know about as much as I know about women, which is about as much as I know about performing brain surgery on an orangutan.

Columnist Dave Berry once wrote, "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

That says it all for me.