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Friday, Aug. 22, 2014

View From The Fence

Thursday, January 3, 2002

The holidays are behind us and it's time to start a new year. I've decided to save myself a lot of trouble and skip a New Year's resolution altogether. Since it's not something I've ever been very successful at I don't think I'll miss it much. Indeed, it seems most logical to skip right on to the depressed part of not succeeding than to spend a lot of time trying to obtain the impossible goal I set for myself each year. Not to mention the money.

With each resolution has come the need for a purchase with which to pursue it. Several years included the purchase of exercise equipment. While I'll admit they made great racks to throw clothing upon, they did little for diminishing that which pursues me from behind. In fact, my behind makes itself more prominent each year and a resolution has yet to stop its growth, so why bother? I'm just going to pretend I've gone through all the steps it usually takes me until mid-February to reach.

How's that for positive thinking? I'm already six weeks ahead of schedule. Seems like a great way to start a new year to me. At this rate I'll be ready for spring in no time.But I've made other resolutions besides those of body improvement. There have been many plans for mind improvement as well.

There was the year I vowed to be more patient. I gave it a week but it just didn't work for me.

Then there was the year I had plans to try and rid myself of some of my obsessive/compulsiveness. I really worked at that one. I thought about it and thought about it. I made a list of things I might do to make it better and meticulously checked off each item as I worked through it. I'm still not sure what happened with that one. I had it all planned, right down to the last detail.

Of course I'll never forget the year I decided I would be the perfect little stay-at-home mom. I had a very rigid schedule; the house never looked so good. My two sons were spotless each day and adorable in their little ironed shorts.

Everything was perfect -- and I was a perfect pain in the butt. I finally decided to let go of that one. It was killing me as well as the rest of my family. I just feel fortunate that my children were young enough that they didn't suffer any lasting affects. From the looks of their messy rooms and their rumbled clothes I feel pretty confident we headed off any potential problems.

Of course there was the year I decided to reconstruct our finances. Haven't we all tried that one? It worked fairly well but it just wasn't much fun. The fact that it is possible to spend only $30 per week on groceries doesn't mean it's something you enjoy. The first weak moment that resulted in a family trip to McDonald's shot that one all to heck.And last but not least was the year when I vowed to be a better person. I told myself I wouldn't gossip or talk bad about anyone. That one wasn't so hard until my twin sister and I took a trip to the mall. Have you ever really looked at some of the people at the mall? The first time we spotted that one woman you see in every group who seems to think knit pants pulled tight over her over-abundant thighs paired with a strapless top is attractive put me out of the running of achieving that one. Will someone please tell that woman to buy a bigger pair of pants and to please, please, put on a bra?

I guess you understand now why I've decided to stop making new year's resolutions; I'm just not very good at them.Happy New Year. I hope you're better at achieving your resolutions than I am.