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Friday, Apr. 29, 2016

Boldly Going Nowhere

Thursday, February 9, 2006

Gender Patterns

A woman is like a TV remote control. She gives a man pleasure and he'd be lost without her. And while he doesn't often know which buttons to push, he keeps trying anyway.

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out as raw grapes, then a woman comes along and stomps all the juice out of him until he turns into something acceptable enough to have dinner with.

Men and women are different. This is something I learned in second grade, and I was a slow learner.

A man named John Gray Ph.D. wrote a book years ago titled Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. It became a best-seller suggesting that relationships would be better if we acknowledged and accepted gender differences. Perhaps I wasn't a slow learner after all -- perhaps the rest of the world was merely reality impaired.

In pointing out differences between men and women, Gray makes the following observations:

* A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.

* A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.

* A woman is fulfilled by talking about her problems.

* A man is fulfilled by solving a problem.

I may not have a Ph.D., but I have enough common sense to have only one ex-wife and no need to repeat the same mistake. I was married to Miss Right. Unfortunately, I didn't know her first name was Always.

Each gender has a cultural pattern. If a woman doesn't come home one night and tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house, the man will call his wife's friends and none of them will know anything about it. But if a man doesn't come home one night and tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house, the woman will call her husband's friends and all of them will say he did sleep over, and three of them will claim he's still there.

Norah Vincent is a 5-10 lesbian from New York. She is also a journalist. With a new buzz haircut, baggy men's clothing, a sports bra (to flatten her breasts), a padded jock strap, some 5 o'clock shadow makeup and extensive vocal training, she transformed herself into the facsimile of a man named Ned Vincent.

Norah/Ned then spent 18 months observing what men were really like when hanging around with other men. This experiment included joining a men's bowling league, going to strip joints with the guys and participating in a men-only camping retreat. She chronicled her eye-opening experiences in a book titled Self Made Man.

During the 18 month saga, Ned also managed to go on about 30 dates with other women. She claimed the pressure of being a man having to prove himself to a woman was grueling and that dating women wasn't much fun. She believes female sexuality is mental but for a man it's an urge. These observations will not surprise men.

Shopping for a new car at a dealership was another revelation. In the past, to Norah, the salesman's pitch had quickly turned flirtatious, but to Ned the tone was all business and the talk centered on the car's performance.

Norah was surprised to see that men struggled with vulnerability. "They don't get to show the weakness, they don't get to show the affection, especially with each other. And so often all their emotions are shown in rage."

Yes indeed, men and women are truly different. And you don't need to read a book to figure it out.

* For a woman, communication is sharing of feelings with one's partner.

* For a man, communication is leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip.

* For a woman, being vulnerable means opening up one's inner self emotionally to others.

* For a man, being vulnerable means playing football without a cup.

Personally, I want a woman who is honest and one who has a good sense of humor and one who is a good worker and one who will admire me. Naturally, it's important these four women don't know each other.

If you have a good partner, you'll be happy. If you have a bad partner, you'll become a philosopher.