I am sick of work
We've all been there. It's Monday morning, 7 a.m. Time to get up and get ready for work. But, instead of jumping up to face a new day, you lay there staring intently at the alarm clock willing it to go backwards in time. You roll over exhaustingly, staring at the popcorn ceiling and it hits you -- "I don't want to go to work today!"
That's it! Your quality of life would be greatly increased if you could just find a way to get out of going to work! You quickly do an inventory of obligations: Mow the lawn? No, that won't work. Kid is sick? No, I have no kids. Broken leg? No, too painful. What can I do to prevent this atrocity of going to work? Then it hits you-- LIE!!! Make up an excuse to tell your boss -- but it has to be something really good.
If this is you from time to time, I may have the answer for you. Calling in "sick" to work is a time honored tradition of the American worker. In fact, according to American Demographics (www.findarticles.com) nearly half of the American population calls in sick every year; which has led some Web sites to post a list of excuses for not going to work. You can find hundreds of excuses at www.madtbone.tripod.com/work, but here are my top 10.
Number 10. My boyfriend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up.
Number 9. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
Number 8. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
Number 7. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
Number 6. Well, you see, my boyfriend's friend's cousin, her mother is a total flake and her three kids are getting taken away by DHS and she is going to jail, and my boyfriend is working, his cousin is out of town and so, you can see that I have to stay home and watch them.
Number 5. I won't be able to come to work next week. We're trying for a baby and the doc says next week is the best chance.
Number 4. I won't be in today because I can't find my clothes.
Number 3. I can't come into work today. There is a cat sitting on the fence outside my door and he won't let me out. It looks like he will attack me if I go outside!
Number 2. I can't come into work because I have amnesia-- In fact, I'm not even sure I work here.
And the Number 1 excuse to get out of work -- I took Viagra last night and it got stuck in my throat. Now I have a stiff neck.
These are my top 10 work excuse reasons, but you can come up with your own. Here are five tips for doing so:
Remember to (1) be creative. Every boss in the world has heard the "I have a migraine" excuse, and quite frankly they are getting tired of it -- legitimate or not. (2) Confuse your boss. If you can use words they should understand, but don't; then your task is just that much easier. (3) Embarrass your boss. Ladies, if you have a male boss, simply talk about things he should never be discussing. This gets you off the phone without him asking questions. (4) Be careful about double dipping. Try not to use the same excuse over and over again. This only gives rise to suspicion, which is what we are trying to avoid. And (5) pick your battles. Only call in on days that won't irritate your boss. Too many call-ins will get you on the fast track out the door. Being there when you are needed goes a long way.
Finally, I will leave you with these closing thoughts. We all need a personal day from time to time; it's only human. However, you will find that a little honesty might get you that precious time off that you need. After all, being honest may be the most human thing we can do. So first, try that approach, but if your boss is a jerk and that doesn't work try this, "I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work." Good luck.
Joel Harris is in his last year of law school in Tulsa, Okla. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.