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Tuesday, Sep. 30, 2014

Boldly Going Nowhere

Friday, January 2, 2004

Top Ten Losers of 2003

1) Saddam Hussein -- As the leader of a country, he was known as the Butcher of Baghdad. As war became inevitable, he commanded his followers to fight to the death. When the action started, he crawled into a hole in the ground and closed the lid. Tyrants don't look very formidable as they're being checked for lice.

2) Michael Jackson -- A world-class weirdo who lives in a fantasy world called Neverland where he enjoys sharing his toys and his bed with young boys. Certain behavior simply isn't appropriate, even in California.

3) Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie -- Two young, spoiled airheads from the big city are placed with a rural farm family in Arkansas in a TV series called "The Simple Life." The two snooty brats are expected to perform farm chores and work a real job in town but fail miserably. If there's any justice in this world, they'll be abducted by aliens and dumped on an outbound asteroid.

4) Gray Davis -- As governor of California, he became very unpopular after tripling the automobile tax. He was recalled by a petition drive and a new election took place. After much Hollywood hoopla, he was ousted by a body builder turned movie actor named Schwarzenegger. In a Democracy, the citizens have a right to replace one boob with another boob as long as they do the paperwork. In the land of fruit and nuts, hoopla prevails.

5) Rush Limbaugh -- As a self-righteous radio talk show windbag, he once announced on the air that he was "the epitome of morality and virtue, a man you could totally trust with your wife, your daughter, and even your son in a Motel 6 overnight." But don't trust him near your medicine cabinet. In spite of his outspoken rhetoric against illegal drugs, he committed a felony by illegally acquiring 30,000 painkillers over a 12-month period. He had enough OxyContin in his possession to kill an elephant. Perhaps even enough to kill a large windbag.

6) Dennis Kozlowski -- This former CEO used his company, TYCO, as a personal piggybank to the tune of $869 million. This included a $600 million stock fraud scheme plus lavish personal plunder such as $13 million in art, a $13.5 million sailboat, a new Porsche, an antique grand piano and expensive jewelry. When the Vikings pillaged, they rowed across rough seas, stormed castles, loaded ships and rowed back. When corporate greed-heads pillage, they use accountants and lawyers. At least the Vikings worked up a sweat.

7) The Oakland Raiders -- Waltzed into the Super Bowl as heavy favorites, got stomped by a bunch of Buccaneers and haven't been the same since. It was a bad day for outlaws like Hannibal Lector and Al Davis.

8) Steve Bartman -- While attending a National League Championship playoff game in Chicago, he reached for and deflected a foul ball that the Cubs outfielder was about to catch. It was the eighth inning and the Cubs were ahead 3-0. The Florida Marlins rallied on that break to score 8 runs in the inning, then went on to win the next playoff game against the Cubs to advance to the 2003 World Series. A bad move in a town like Chicago.

9) Keiko -- The six-ton whale that starred in the movie "Free Willy" was originally born free near Iceland in 1977, captured in 1979 and sold to a Mexico City marine park. Found ailing in 1993, it was rehabilitated in an Oregon aquarium, then airlifted to Iceland in 1998 where it was released back into the ocean. It then swam to Norway and hung out near a fishing village where it died 10 years prematurely of pneumonia. Whether it lived a better or worse life as a result of human meddling is debatable. At least it got to star in a movie.

10) O.J. Simpson -- His wife and a bystander were brutally murdered in 1994 in Los Angeles. Found innocent of the crime, he vowed to someday find the real killers. Many years have passed but he remains steadfast. He continues to search for the real killers almost every day on the golf courses of south Florida. Without losers, there can be no winners. Hail to the losers. * * *