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Thursday, May 5, 2016

Boldly Going Nowhere

Thursday, July 11, 2002

Profile Pattern

Profile Pattern

Due to recent terrorist events, airport security has been beefed up to the point where you can no longer carry on such items as nail clippers and tweezers. In an attempt to be politically correct when it comes to "profiling" potential terrorists, new federal guidelines require random checks of everyone rather than singling out those more likely to be terrorists. To those who favor politically correctness over common sense, I submit the following test:

In 1972, athletes at the Munich Olympics were kidnapped and killed by: 1) The Amish 2) Keebler Elves 3) The Daughters of the American Revolution 4) Sioux Indians 5) Middle Eastern Muslims

In 1979, The U.S. Embassy in Iran was taken over by: 1) Girl Scouts 2) Lutherans 3) Ducks Unlimited 4) The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders 5) Middle Eastern Muslims

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: 1) Enron executives 2) The Swedish Bikini Team 3) The Sopranos of New Jersey 4) Greenpeace 5) Middle Eastern Muslims

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was blown up by: 1) Seventh Day Adventists 2) The Rolling Stones 3) Amnesty International 4) The Izard County Mineral and Gem Club 5) Middle Eastern Muslims

In 1993, the World Trade Center was originally bombed by: 1) Canadian transvestites 2) The Tabernacle Choir 3) The Moose Lodge of Salem 4) North Carolina Tar Heels 5) Middle Eastern Muslims

In 1998, the U.S. Embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: 1) Librarians from Minnesota 2) Norwegian cod fishermen 3) The Viola Lady Longhorns 4) Vegetarians 5) Middle Eastern Muslims

On September 11, 2001, four airliners were hijacked and flown into crowded buildings by: 1) The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 2) Gladys Knight and the Pips 3) The Spring River Area Chamber of Commerce 4) Southern Baptist deacons 5) Middle Eastern Muslims

In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by: 1) The Ya-Ya Sisterhood 2) The Audubon Society 3) Bass Masters 4) Green Bay Packers Cheeseheads 5) Middle Eastern Muslims

Pardon my political incorrectness but there seems to be a pattern here. * * * Bret Burquest is the author of The Dogman of Topanga, Goomba in Montana, A Bad Run of Fate and The Eleventh Sage. Available at bookstores or Amazon.com.