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Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Boldly Going Nowhere

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Fallen Beings

Men are fallen beings. The wheelbarrow was invented so they could walk on their hind legs.

Women are fallen beings. The pedestal was invented to give them a better view and a place to be seen.

Being in love is a fallen state. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

Fallen beings often fall in love. But the odds of a fallen being finding a compatible mate are about the same as finding Jimmy Hoffa in a talkative mood. Falling in love isn't enough; it's only a starting point. When looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, for better or worse, there are many factors to take into account.

1) The Chemistry Factor -- You should be physically attracted to your mate and your mate should be physically attracted to you. If both conditions don't exist, you'd be better off mating with a beach ball.

2) The Intelligence Factor -- Two potential mates should have the same general intellect. If one is smart and the other is a dunderhead, there's no common ground. Intellectual pursuits and professional wrestling don't mix.

3) The Social Factor -- One mate wants to mingle with the rest of the world and the other one doesn't. Inevitably, the mingler will hook up with another mingler leaving the homebody to mingle as a single.

4) The Money Factor -- One mate spends money like it grows on trees and the other mate is cheap. This will cause a serious clash, followed by a Chapter 7, and ending with a separation to cheaper digs for both.

5) The Ambition Factor -- One mate is ambitious and the other is a couch potato. The ambitious mate will soon be driven to greener pastures by their work ethic. The couch potato will get to keep the couch.

6) The Personality Factor -- One mate is an introvert and the other is an extrovert. Sometimes the introvert will simply go insane but it will go unnoticed. Extroverts can't help being obnoxious. Many of them move to California and try to get into show business. Those who stay behind often become lawyers or preachers.

7) The Pet Factor -- Dog people belong with dog people and cat people belong with cat people. Those without pets belong with other pet-less people. Bird people may belong with other groups of people, except with cat people who should only belong to other cat people. Goldfish people should remain single.

8) The Sports Factor -- Men love football. Women love figure skating. Women who love football are highly compatible with men. Men who love figure skating but don't like football should be required to move to France.

9) The Tidy Factor -- If one mate is a neat-nick and the other mate is a slob, the neat-nick will break. Normally, the slob is a man. If the slob is a woman, it's likely she's going through a hormonal phase or she's a Capricorn.

10) The Humor Factor -- If one mate has a sense of humor and the other doesn't, humor becomes offensive. If one mate likes political satire and the other one likes the Three Stooges, they belong on different planets.

11) The Values Factor -- A couple should possess the same general set of values. If one mate gets a thrill out of bashing mailboxes while the other one does voluntary charity work, the odds of the relationship lasting are about the same as the odds of a smooth getaway after bashing the sheriff's mailbox as he watches you do it.

12) The Toilet Seat Factor -- One mate leaves the toilet seat up on occasion while the other mate insists it be put down. Mostly it's women who want it down. Men who want it down have deep psychological problems.

Other factors include religion, politics, sex, children, occupations and music. The list goes on and on.

Falling in love is easy. So is falling off a cliff. Like falling in love, the end result can be rather unpleasant if you mess with the wrong cliff. A happy landing always depends on many factors that go unnoticed until you've completed the fall. The pain usually starts shortly after a loud thud. Try not to take the plunge too often.

Men and women are fallen beings yearning for intimate companionship, hoping to find the right mate and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, ever after often ends in about five years.

* * * Bret Burquest is the author of The Dogman of Topanga, Goomba in Montana, A Bad Run of Fate and The Eleventh Sage. Available at Amazon.com & elsewhere.