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Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Boldly Going Nowhere

Thursday, April 1, 2004

Mailbox Molesters

A mailbox is a defenseless container standing alongside a rural roadway. To mailbox molesters, it's a symbol of authority, representing everyone who keeps them in check, such as their parents or teachers who make rules they don't want to live by. Rather than confront those they hate, they confront the mailbox.

A mailbox molester is usually a 17-year-old male, give or take a couple of years, with a dark soul and lots of suppressed anger. He can come from any segment of society but prefers the company of lowlifes who enjoy tormenting others. To call these rambunctious lads "scumbags" is an insult to bags of scum.

Mailbox molesters come in many forms.

* Mailbox shooters -- Unlike other mailbox molesters, this dangerous jerk is often a loner. He gets a thrill out of shooting defenseless items, such as mailboxes, with little regard for where or how far the bullet will travel. To prove his manhood, he'll fire multiple rounds to make sure the mailbox is dead.

* Mailbox bombers -- These boneheads hang out in small packs, often three to six idiots deep, and get their jollies by placing explosives, usually a powerful firecracker, in a mailbox. They've also been known to videotape the event so they can enjoy watching their destruction over and over again. Law enforcers also enjoy playing the videotapes over and over again, especially in court.

* Mailbox maulers -- Good-ol-boys with red necks and rocks for brains get their kicks by hooting and hollering and creating mayhem. They drive battered old trucks with expired tags and no mufflers. When they spot a row of innocent mailboxes, they put the pedal to the metal and mow them down in one lethal pass. Then they hoot and holler on down the road, wondering why society frowns on their existence.

* Mailbox bashers -- Bashing is a two-idiot team sport. The driver veers close to the mailbox while the basher smashes the mailbox with a baseball bat or a rock as they drive by. Instead of hooting and hollering like maulers, they tend to snort and snicker. Bashers are maulers without the swagger.

* Mailbox benders -- The bender is an amateur molester. He'll drive his vehicle up to the mailbox and maneuver against it, then bulldoze the mailbox into a bad angle. He doesn't really want to hurt anyone -- he just wants to let you know he hates you, even if he doesn't know you.

I've lived in my place for five years now. So far I've been the victim of a shooter, a basher and a bender.

My initial reaction usually involves some heavy retribution. But after I settle back down, about 144 hours later, I realize that reacting emotionally to a senseless act of vandalism is exactly the reaction the perpetrator was seeking in the first place. So I try to forgive and forget, and let the forces of the cosmos sort things out.

NOTE TO MAILBOX MOLESTERS: Tampering with a mailbox is a federal crime. Even though it's not a serious offense, you'll be placed in a federal database of criminal misfits. Getting a government job or simply boarding an airplane when you have a federal criminal record could be an embarrassing bureaucratic nightmare.

NOTE TO MAILBOX MOLESTERS: Destroying a mailbox is a health risk. The world is full of dangerous people who might actually take offense to having some anonymous airhead destroy their property. Wipe out the mailbox of the wrong dude and you may be dealing with some nasty repercussions. Deranged hermits, outlaw bikers, mob enforcers and serial killers have lots of suppressed anger too. Many of them also have mailboxes.

One of the many theories of life is that we are in this world to learn lessons that will be beneficial in the next life and the best way to learn is by overcoming suffering. Thus restless young punks were brought into this world to help us overcome. We are then confronted with various options, such as retaliation or forgiveness.

Sometimes it's not easy to forgive those who trespass against us, but it's the best way to get through life without adding to the chaos. On the other hand, loving your enemies is a hard nut to crack.