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Tuesday, May 3, 2016

From my Front Porch

Friday, June 20, 2003

Going to the chapel

There are those who believe, historically speaking, that the month of June is a popular time for marrying because way back when May was bathing month.

And for those folks who somehow still managed to smell presentable a few weeks later, it was as good time as any to get married.

For whatever reason, or maybe because it is the marrying month of June, blissful marital love usually is busting out all over this time of the year.

June is such a busy month for weddings that a lot of chapels and churches are double booked on the weekends, which is just fine with my dear friend, senior citizen and lifetime member of the AARP, Mamie Kuykendall.

Mamie simply delights in this time of the year. Not only is school out for the summer and the cheerful voices of children at play can be heard across the neighborhood, but May flowers are busy continuing to bloom and the weekends are usually filled with weddings to attend -- along with the various required events, such as kitchen and lingerie showers, leading up to the big day. In Mamie's opinion, there isn't a much better way to spend a Saturday afternoon, especially if seafood is on the menu.

Regardless of the joy she derives from sharing what should be the happiest day of a couple's life, she is very concerned about the state of affairs in the matrimonial world. Her words, not mine.

When I asked her exactly what she meant by this, she explained that years ago she attended a rather large church, which went through a spell of, shall we say, "as the pew turns" syndrome.

One Sunday while sitting in the alto section of the choir, Mamie noted with great interest and utter amazement that the soon-to-be third wife of a rather tone-deaf tenor was seated in the congregation on the third row of the middle aisle while his second ex-wife blissfully sang in the choir's soprano section, occasionally coyly waving to her eventual third husband who was seated on the last row of the balcony area, all while this gentleman's second, or maybe even third, ex-wife played the piano.

Later that week, when Mamie asked her preacher what he thought of the situation, he simply responded by saying, "Well, at least they're all in church."

If Mamie had her way, all young men old enough to order a mixed drink would be blessed with a lovely young lady to mold him into the man he is meant to be.

The other afternoon, while enjoying lunch together, Mamie and I came up with several reasons why we think the male of the species is better off married than not.

Here are the "for now" top 10 reasons:

10. Routinely eating a 16-ounce bag of Cool Ranch Doritos while drinking a 16-ounce ice-cold Mountain Dew does not constitute a balanced meal.

9. Somebody needs to have sense enough to ask for directions.

8. The laundry fairy ran off with the tooth fairy. (After all, it's June!)

7. Mr. Stone Cold isn't telling the whole truth. Wrestling is fake.

6. Those moldy refrigerated food-based science experiments will never qualify for a Nobel Prize.

5. Entertaining your buddies by burping your ABC's is not considered educational.

4. Despite the small whirlpool effect when flushed, commodes are not self-cleaning.

3.Regardless of what comedian George Carlin suggests, it is unwise to spend six straight days wearing the same pair of underwear.

2. The same goes for a pair of socks.

1. What socks?

So, for those fellows who may have bathed sometime in May and are at least 21 years of age, Mamie and I are pulling for you.

Let's just try and get it right the first time.