A Gift from the Evil Empire
Skunks come in two varieties. There's the two-legged species that stink up the world with their offensive behavior and the four-legged species that stink up the world with their offensive odor. Sometimes the two-legged species also emits an offensive odor, usually due to a lack on interest in bathing or too many bean burritos.
I recently trapped one of the four-legged species under my dwelling. It had been permeating my residence with its pungent scent on occasion, usually when I listened to some rock-n-roll on the radio. When a country tune would come on, the aroma seemed to dissipate. It either likes country music or it drives him into the woods.
Instead of exterminating the poor creature, I decided to turn it loose in an environment where it would be with its own kind. So I named it Squirt and shipped him off to the following address, along with the following note.
Osama bin Laden
Sulaiman Mountain Range, Pakistan
How is the Jihad going? Hope all is well with the five wives and 24 kids.
Enclosed you'll find a gift. It's a cute little animal indigenous to our country, the evil empire known as the United States of America. It's called a skunk and his name is Squirt. A skunk is from the Mephitidae family of medium-sized mammals and is sometimes known as a polecat in southern sections of the evil empire.
Squirt would be a perfect addition to your cave. Skunks are nocturnal carnivores. While you and your close associates (Mohatma, Ishmar, Alibaba, Mo and Curly) are sleeping at night, Squirt will be busy consuming garbage and insects, thereby helping to keep your cave tidy and pest-free.
Another beneficial feature of Squirt is that he emits a very unusual odor whenever he gets riled up, which could happen frequently when he mingles with two-legged cave dwellers. This odor provides several benefits.
First of all, it will discourage outsiders, such as tax collectors, Jehovah Witnesses or representatives of the evil empire, from entering your cave and interrupting your discussions on how to destroy the western world.
Since it has probably been quite some time since you and your associates have taken a bath or been to a Laundromat, Squirt will provide you with a special new fragrance. This will eliminate that pesky body odor and cave musk, and make you more popular with the local virgins.
If you get tired of Squirt you can always eat him for supper. I suggest a light marinade, a pinch of garlic and some lemon juice. It tastes a bit like roasted goat entrails so you and your associates should enjoy it.
Skunks are black and white, just like your view of the world. You can save the hide and make a cap out of it. It would be a clever fashion statement. Just remember when wearing it -- eyeballs in front, tail in back.
By the way, the fellows at the local VFW Club all wish you well and would like to invite you to come to Arkansas to do some turkey hunting with them. Be sure to wear very bright clothing. Although the fellows at the VFW will be in camouflage, you should be easily spotted in the woods in case you get lost.
There are a lot of caves in Arkansas so accommodations wouldn't be a problem. Remember to leave your AK-47 at home, though. The airlines have become a bit fussy these days, ever since September 11, 2001, about carry-on items. I suspect an AK-47 probably wouldn't get through a metal detector. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Good luck with the Jihad and have a happy day.
P.S. Squirt hasn't been cave trained and skunk droppings can be quite slippery. Those of us in the evil empire wouldn't want you to get hurt before we had a chance to meet face to face and resolve our silly dispute.
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Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels, which are available at Amazon.com. He can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.