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Thursday, May 5, 2016

Boldly Going Nowhere

Thursday, January 4, 2007

The Annoying People of 2006

Since the dawn of man, annoying people have populated Planet Earth. They basically serve mankind as role models to avoid, as well as existing for entertainment purposes. This past year was no exception.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -- In November, the Iranian president wrote a five-page open letter addressed to "Noble Americans" imploring the American People to follow his example of "unity, monotheism, morality and spirituality." In closing, he added, "We should all heed the Divine Word of the Holy Quran" and prayed to bless America. Somehow, I don't believe the American People really want this bombastic lunatic praying for them.

Kim Jong Il -- This paranoid pipsqueak enjoys large parades, Daffy Duck cartoons and pornography. He's also the leader of North Korea. On July 4, he launched several test missiles and threatened the USA. In August, he declared war against the USA. Unfortunately, he'll have to wait in line behind other Middle Eastern interests.

Hugo Chavez -- As an Army officer in 1992, he led a failed coup against his own government and spent two years in jail. In 1999, he became the (socialist) president of Venezuela and soon nationalized (confiscated) the nation's aluminum and oil industries. In September of 2006, he gave a speech to the United Nations where he made offensive remarks about the USA and referred to President Bush as the devil. It takes one to know one.

George Bush -- According to Bob Woodward, in his book titled State of Denial, President Bush enjoys fart jokes. It's not necessarily very reassuring to learn that the leader of the free world has the mind of a third grader.

Bill Clinton -- During an interview with Chris Wallace, he got visibly upset by a question and began jabbing Wallace with his finger while heatedly admonishing him. On the way out of the studio, he threatened to fire his handlers. It's not necessarily very reassuring to learn that the former leader of the free world is a hot-headed jerk.

Dick Cheney -- The vice president went bird hunting on a ranch in Texas and somehow mistook one of his companions, a tall lawyer wearing a bright orange vest, for a quail and promptly shot him in the face. Although some lawyers tend to remind us of scavenger mammals or certain reptiles, they rarely resemble small birds.

Nancy Pelosi -- When Democrats gained control in November, she became House speaker and appointed Silvestre Reyes to head the Intelligence Committee, passing over ranking members Alcee Hastings (impeached as a federal judge) and Jane Harmon (personal animosity). But apparently Reyes doesn't know a Sunni from a Shiite from Shinola, proving once again that replacing a bunch of idiots with another bunch of idiots is idiotic.

William Jefferson -- In May, the FBI videotaped the Democratic representative accepting a briefcase full of marked bills during a bribery investigation and later found $90,000 of the bills in his freezer. In November, he was reelected to Congress in his district in New Orleans. In the city of Mardi Gras, sleaze triumphs over integrity.

John Mark Karr -- While in Thailand applying for grade school teaching positions and seeking a sex-change operation, he confessed to murdering JonBenet Ramsey in Colorado a decade earlier. Although he turned out to be innocent of the charges, he became a lurid symbol of child predators and a facsimile of a walking fruitcake.

Wesley Snipes -- The actor was arrested in October on federal income tax fraud charges after claiming nearly $12 million in false refunds and not filing any returns for six years. In 2003, he lost his $1.7 million Florida estate to bank foreclosure. In 2005, he almost lost another home for failing to pay $20,000 in property taxes. He claims he is being treated as a scapegoat. OK, you're a scapegoat -- now pay your taxes like everyone else.

Wooo People -- There are some very loud, annoying people in this world who are compelled to yell "WOOO" whenever they get excited, which is often. They should all be quarantined somewhere north of the Arctic Circle.

O.J. Simpson -- While searching for the real killer on Florida golf courses, he still found time to write a book about how he would have killed his wife if given the opportunity. I wonder how he knows the real killer likes golf.

All the world is a stage and some of the players are annoying. At least they make the rest of us look good.

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Bret Burquest is an award-winning columnist and author of four novels, which are available at Amazon.com. He can be contacted at bret@centurytel.net.