The first two items are true stories in the news recently. A friend from Missouri sent the third item to me. I doubt if it's also a true story but in Arkansas anything is possible.
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws in San Diego and went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. A customer who had been in the store for some time noticed Burnett sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, clutching the back of her head with both hands.
The customer walked over to the car and asked Burnett if she was okay whereupon Burnett replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
When the paramedics arrived, they were forced to break into the car because the doors were locked and Burnett refused to remove her hands from her wound.
Upon close examination it was discovered that Burnett had a wad of Pillsbury biscuit dough stuck on the back of her head. Apparently, the biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that was mistaken for a gunshot, and when Burnett reached back to find out what had happened she felt the dough and assumed her brains were coming out of the back of her head. She had originally passed out but soon recovered, then spent over an hour trying to prevent her brains from leaking out any further.
Let this be a warning -- if you're ever shot in the back of the head and your brains are seeping out, leave your car door unlocked so you can keep a lid on the brain seepage until help arrives and they don't have to break the car window. Also, have your head examined just to make sure you really don't have biscuit dough for brains.
* * *
A wedding took place recently at Clemson University with 300 guests. At the reception after the wedding, the groom thanked everyone for coming, many from long distances. As a token of his appreciation he announced he had a special gift for each guest, including the wedding party, taped to the bottom of each chair.
Upon opening the special gifts, the room went silent. Inside each manila envelope was an 8X10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom turned to the best man and uttered a couple of words that most newspapers won't print. He turned to his bride and repeated the phrase. Then he told the crowd, "I'm outta here," and marched out of the room.
The following morning, the groom had the marriage annulled. The parents of the bride had spent over $32,000 on the wedding and reception, and another $3,000 for photographs.
Some guys have all the luck -- it took me five years to get out of my marriage.
* * *
An Arkansas farmer drove to a neighboring farm and knocked on the door.
A young boy about 12 years old opened the door.
"Is your paw home?" the farmer asked.
"He went into town," the boy told him.
"Well, is your maw here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother Merle?" asked the farmer.
"He went with maw and paw," the boy said.
"Well, I really need to talk to your paw. It's about your brother Merle getting my daughter pregnant."
"You really need to talk to paw about that," replied the boy. "If it helps any, paw charges 50 bucks for the bull and 25 bucks for the boar hog, but I really ain't got no idea how much he gets for Merle."
Quote for the Day -- "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." Harlan Ellison
Bret Burquest is the author of 9 books. He lives in the Ozark Mountains with a dog named Buddy Lee and where dreams are who you are when you're too tired to be you.